Square One, described as a “contemporary speakeasy” with the tagline “meticulously casual”, opened its doors in the old Roger’s Video space on Wye Road in Sherwood Park.

The independent restaurant is an endeavour by Marko Mastoras and Chef Phil Caragannis, and any independent eatery is a welcome change in the motherland of chains known as suburbia.

The pair did a respectful job in renovating the old video store, applying a tin ceiling to the centre area above a long wood bar and enhancing the nondescript space with banquettes, earth tones on walls and floors…and one painting: a Mona Lisa-esque portrait of Darth Vader.

So, if it’s a meticulously casual, Darth Vader-inspired, contemporary speakeasy, then how does that all relate to the food?

The speakeasy part is a nod to prohibition era drinks ( the Manhattan and the Old-Fashioned, two drinks on their short but creative cocktail list), although there’s absolutely nothing more speakeasy-ish about the place, other than the tin ceiling, maybe. The meticulously casual refers to… well, honestly, I’m not sure. I think that nonsensical line could qualify for an entry in the Tagline Hall of Shame. 

The menu is just about as indecipherable. Square One’s website states, “…our locally inspired menu is influenced by Alberta’s distinct seasons. Every plate has its mate and our knowledgeable staff will help you find it.”  A plate with a mate?  I don’t want to be accused of being a plate-wrecker, but what if I dally with a non-mate dish? And word to the wise: be careful using the word, knowledgeable …

Okay, so a locally inspired menu is a good thing, and Mr. Mastoras did stop by our table and explain their take on the “locally inspired” concept: they source as much local product as they can, when they can. I get that – Alberta’s climate, agricultural land and growing seasons do not allow for growing papayas and limes, so kudos to Square One for doing what they can. The chicken comes from Ardrossan, the beef comes from Alberta’s Spring Creek Ranch, the pork chop and the bacon from Irving’s, the salmon from Lois Lake.  And more props to the kitchen for making their own charcuterie, smoking their own meats, making their own pasta, soups and ice cream.  (I hate that I have to even give props to a restaurant for doing that, but that is, unfortunately, life.)

So locally inspired this, seasonal that, homemade this, smoked that…all the right ideas are on this food train. How is it then, that it went completely off the rails on both occasions we stopped by?

First off, having a great idea does not a guarantee success. Let’s take a look at the brunch menu:

Around the world in 11 dishes

I’m not seeing a lot of local inspiration here, unless “Sweet” is a town in Alberta that I don’t know about.  What it looks like is a restaurateur’s dangerous attempt to try and please every customer: French, Indian, Italian, Greek, Russian, Middle Eastern, Korean, Japanese, Mexican, Spanish… where’s the schnitzel?  I’m feeling a little left out.

Perhaps the appetizers will focus on more local inspiration:

“locally inspired” menu

Hmmm. Lime crema, huichol (?), mussels, gochujung. Maybe those mussels and squid are coming from the North Saskatchewan River.

Just a peeve, but if you’re going to feature ethnic food on your menu, then at least spell the names of the ingredients and dishes correctly. It’s totopos not tatopas or totapas; it’s aguachile not augachile or auguachile; it’s merguez not mergueze; it’s prosciutto not prociutto… I could go on.

One may argue that local could mean Canada, and for that, this melting pot of a menu is locally inspired. But what this does to a kitchen is create absolute mayhem and 10 times the amount of work.  You can’t do it all, and do it well.  And to confound matters even more, Square One’s website states this: Square One was designed to refine ones focus away from distractions and toward our inherent preference of taste. 

Focus.

Focus.

That’s where the train fell off its tracks. The conductor(s) lost focus and crashed right in to the deep, dark pit of non-identity. You can’t “source locally” and make dishes from a dozen different countries, no matter how meticulously casual you are. And having Darth Vader up on the wall, does not necessarily mean that the force will actually be with you.

Focus on something. One thing. Anything. Just focus, because I’d actually love to see this restaurant get back on track.  And if you’re going to put it out there that your staff is knowledgeable, then dammit, give them knowledge; at least tell them who the owners of the restaurant are, and what on earth a “back tender” is;  “Marko I-Can’t-Pronounce-His-Last-Name” and “A really great cut of meat” for answers do not suffice.

So, aside from all this blustering about concepts and identity, you’re probably wondering how the food was.  It wasn’t horrible: 11 out of the 30 dishes were good.

My review of Square One on CBC Edmonton AM can be heard here.